Secrets to a Crazy Awesome, Consistently Normal Marriage
I have a crazy awesome, consistently normal, love story kinda marriage.
Our secret? Low expectations.
We met online in a lusty love affair. He flew out to meet me in November. I came to the tundra in December. We had an adventure in the City in January and by February we were living together. Fast? Yeah, I like it that way.
Life was a CELEBRATION. Every night was a new restaurant. Drinks… because - well, we were together. 4 course meals - because, now I lived here. Nightcaps. Because we could. And somewhere in between all the eating and drinking and new relationship-ing I stopped all my savory self love tactics and became. Um. Needy.
Ew. I know. But I did.
I went from my high vibing, vegan eating, hot yoga going, no tv owning, to living with a body building, reality tv loving, MMA fighting, meatatarian with mid-western ways. It smartly put a few pounds on my s-ass and Spirit.
I merged so far into Papi that I lost myself. And how he felt. Was how I felt. This Is where the Ew. factor creeped in.
When he felt good about me. I felt good about me. And when maybe he needed to think of something other than me…. Well, that meant something was off.
I needed him to tell me I was who he had always been waiting for. That perfect blend of a chick that got him going on all levels- and those extra curves from our celebrations? Well, don’t worry baby...those were built just for him.
Daily I needed confirmation that I had made the right decision giving everything up moving here and that the world I left behind was worth leaving because he was going to be my everything and we would live the rest of our lives together. Forever. In love. (and maybe even somewhere outside the tundra)
Sitting in a trendy restaurant two martinis in I told him just that. When we get married and have a boatload of children we can move to exotic places, live off the grid, meditating and yogi-ing our life away.. Branjelina or bust baby.
He told me to slow down. He wasn’t ready to talk marriage. We were just getting to know each other.
I sat there. nu/du-mb-founded. Trying not to make a scene. Trying not to ugly cry in public. And the harder I tried the uglier it got.
I had given up everything. I left my dogs, my home, my sisters and moved into his house, with his stuff, surrounded by his family and his friends. And now he wants me to SLOW DOWN?!?
He told me it was time to go. I stood there sobbing not so silently in the lobby while he got the car. The emotional, mascara girl who had clearly just been broken up with or couldn’t handle her liquor. It was maybe both.
Back home I yelled that everything in this goddamn place was his. I had nowhere to go that was mine. So, he slept in the car.
The next morning as the light peeked in all I thought was. Oh my God. What had I done?! I am alone. In a strange city. I know no one. Naked. Vulnerable. Exposed and... pathetic. I had given it all up. I had given up Me. Who I was...was completely dependent upon how someone else felt about me.
My self esteem. Had become his opinion. And sweet jesus let me good enough because… because, what if he didn’t choose me?!
And then. I realized. Wait a minute sister. (thank Goddess) This was an OLD track. I know this track that plays in my head. Not good enough. Too fat. Too fast. Too… blah blah blah And it wasn’t me. I have different choices now. I have a new playlist.
I gathered my emotional shit and put me back in charge. I am in charge of what I think about me. I am in charge of how I feel - ALL of my feelings. And all of my feelings moving forward?. Well, those are mine too.
Poor Papi. I gave him the wrong keys. The keys I wanted to share were to my heart. Not my self esteem. I was still learning the difference.
Today in our house. There are two rules. Mind your business. And own your shit.
Learning to master these two rules creates the healthiest of low expectations. But I promise - ten years later - it is the secret to the sexiest, most stable promise you can make.